Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Missed Connection

I did something pretty amazing immediately followed by something pretty stupid just the other day. I went to a bar, got a girl's number, and promptly lost it. The best part though was that I didn't speak a single word to her the whole time. It was quite a night. I'm not sure where to start, so I guess I'll start at the beginning.

The night started out a little rough. None of my friends were going to go out. So I decided to pregame with some Sparkz while playing Geometry Wars on my XBox 360 (most addictive game ever). I figure, If you're going out alone, you need to be in the right state of mind, right? It has awesome upbeat music, and it fosters a competitiveness that, when combined with the caffeine from Sparkz, creates the aggressiveness and focus one needs to engage and dominate in most social conditions. This day was no exception. I was about ready to leave, when my roommate tells me we're going to a birthday party at China 1, a bar in the East Village.

We got to the bar, went downstairs, and it was packed. I couldn't help but smile, there was so much potential. The music was loud, but you could still talk. The dance floor had a good ratio; I spotted a group of three girls dancing with 1 guy, and a set of two girls dancing with each other, plus a lot of couples. Also, there were several bars, but the one we were closest too wasn't too crowded. I'll be honest, I just got there, and I was already having fun. We cut through the dance floor and made our way to the back, where we met the birthday boy. I was itching to dance, so I'm putting on some moves while we push through the crowd.

We make it to a set of sofas and spot a comfy seat right in the corner. I'm sitting on the sofa, drinking my beer, making small talk with the birthday boy. There's another group of his friends sitting to my left having their own conversation. But three of the four of them leave, and as I lean into my own conversation, I couldn't help but notice that I just blocked out the fourth from our conversation. She's sitting pretty, twiddling her thumbs and we're laughing at stupid jokes. One glance at her and I put on my widest, slyest grin, turned over my shoulder and asked her a question.

"Hey, let me ask you something. What do you think of this idea for a bar? A midget themed bar." She laughs. "I call it Midgies, where the tables and chairs are small, and all the bartenders are midgets." She loved it. I wish I could take full credit for this opener, but I can't. It belongs to one of my best friends from college. Although, I'd like to think we both came up with it together. I probably shouldn't have shared this one.

We made a few jokes and were talking for about 45 minutes, when out of nowhere, one of the three dudes who left her sits down next to her. It was obvious they knew each other well by the way they started talking to each other. I had to fix where this was going, so I said to her, "Don't be rude, introduce me to your friend." I stuck out my hand to shake his, and she introduces him to me as her husband. I keep my smile on my face, and talk to them both as if it's no big deal. In my mind though, I'm screaming "Holy shit dude, what a waste of time!! Didn't you see her ring? Wait, I never looked. Yup, there it is. Shit dude! Bail!" He leaves to hang out with the other guys. At this point I'm thinking to myself, "Ok, make a graceful exit. Don't just stay here talking to her."

After a few minutes, I was rescued. A friend of mine joined us in the back. As she approached us, I stood up, hugged her and start chatting with her right in front of Married McRingStein. She got the clue and played along. Before long, we were dancing in our little area. My friend is a good dancer, so I'm having fun. At some point, we needed to take a breather, and she needed a drink. She grabs my hand, and we make a mad dash to the bar. I grab a beer, she grabs some girly cocktail, and we're chatting it up, walking through the dance floor, back towards our table. I couldn't believe it. The three girls and one guy were still in the same corner of the dance floor. I made eye contact with a cutie, gave her a "what's up" nod, and smiled. She ignored me, but as she turned around, I realized something; she had a unique perspective of my entire night. She could see everything. Did she? Who knows. What I knew was that I had to make some moves. I gave my friend a spin and plopped her right in between my roommate and the birthday boy and his friends. I made a quiet exit towards the bathroom (thankfully the line was small).

Ok, I'm out on the dance floor, weaving in and out of fellow drunken dancers, and I spot the girl. She's wearing a tight one piece white skirt with large dark pink and black dots. I made eye contact with her again, but this time I didn't look away. She cracked a smile and looked away; I was in. I danced my way over, spinning in between girls 2 and 3. They were not amused, but she was. I pulled off a couple of moves before turning around and smacking her ass with mine. She smiled and was getting into it. When she turned around, I joking bent over grabbed her hand, and made her slap my ass.

"You've got some nice moves," she giggled. "Wooo!!" She loved it. She was cracking up. I'd spin her out, then in, stepping and turning, moving around the entire dance floor. I grinded with her and tugged on her hair. Each time I pushed her away, I pulled her in tighter and tighter. Meanwhile, I was having fun. She was having fun. But her friends weren't. We were dancing and escalating for about 40 minutes, when the dude in her group whispered something in her ear. I stood there. We were staring at each other. When he finished, she hugged me, kissed me on my cheek and said, "You'd better call me, or I'll be pissed." I gave her my phone, and she typed in her # then left with her friends. She gave me one last glance before disappearing up the stairs.

I walked back to my table thinking, "Ok, I just got a girl's number without saying a single word to her." I looked at it for a second. I thought she had hit send, so she could get my number as well. As I cleared my phone, it became obvious to me that, no, she did not. I just lost this girl's number.

Now, on a scale of tragedies from 1 to 10, 1 being your shoelaces just came untied, and 10 being the bombing of Pearl Harbor, this was a 3. I'm not all that good at phone game, and I didn't really build up much of or a repoir with her. The main idea running through my head at that time was, "Is this repeatable? Can it really be that easy to pick up girls?" Only time will tell.

-=HeLO =-

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Does It Offend You, Yeah?

I've made up my mind. If any of my friends can suggest something to do, I'll do it with them. From today going forward, I will always say yes*. Reason being: you can never tell what kind of adventures you'll end up in. I'd like to take credit for this particular occasion, but in all fairness, I can't. I called up some friends (let's call them Bear and Monk), I haven't seen in a while, and told them they had to meet me for drinks, or else. It took some persuasion, but they both conceded and Monk picked a place called Maxwells in Hoboken, NJ.

I was having a rough day at work. Just about everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I was getting so frustrated, I decided to kick out early. Just as I'm leaving, my client decides to swagger over with a laundry list of complaints. He chewed my ear out for a good 45 minutes. All the while, I'm thinking... fucking choke on a pretzel already.

I finally landed myself on the Path Train towards Hoboken. And here's where things get interesting. So the Path was crowded and humid, really no surprise. It had a faint smell of musty old leather. Getting on the train, of course, is like a human version of Tetris - you have to maneuver, rotate, and fold yourself in just the right way. I noticed this elderly woman (a cougar if you will?) in a light blue floral print dress with red rimmed glasses. She was standing nearly two feet away. I flashed her a smile as I was silently laughing at her. She was clutching onto a railing for dear life. She smiled back as the train swayed and swooshed and gathered up speed. I was in a solid state. My smile was beaming brighter and brighter as I noticed her sneaking glances my way. Before you ask, dear reader, I should tell you, she had on her hand a brightly polished wedding band. I didn't even make an attempt (although, in hindsight, I should have talked her up a bit, if for no other reason than to practice). But having someone check you out adds a certain bounce to your step.

So we got to Maxwells, and I ordered some grub, and a few drinks. I hadn't seen these boys in a while, so we were just catching up. Monk suggested we buy tickets to the show for that night. I was leaning towards going home early. It was my turn to do morning support at work, which meant waking up at the ass crack of dawn and making sure nothing breaks. Bear decided to head out early for similar reasons. I decided to go with my gut on this one and said fuck it... I'll go.

Right off the bat, I realized I made the right choice. This place was a hipster haven. Ok, I had a few drinks, and was ranting and raving about my previous bizarre weekends. So I didn't even notice when the first band (sorry, forgot their name) came onto the stage. All of a sudden, I couldn't hear myself talk. I look around, and there were tons of young'ens around us dancing to these two chics screaming on stage. I saw this cute little asian girl with a short white top, bleached blonde bangs, and a red skirt over black tights.

"Great band, or greatest band ever?" I asked her over my shoulder. She had this stumped look on her face, and I was instantly losing focus. I think I have A.D.D. when it comes to girls. I lose interest pretty quickly unless they can keep me entertained. I'm still trying to work on that. Note: shiny accessories are a plus.

"Um, greatest band ever?" She managed to squeak out.

I went on a rant about how my friend and I are in a band and we're looking for a drummer (we only just thought about making a band that night... probably won't go anywhere). When we find one we like, we'll be playing bars all over New York. I told her that if she played her cards right, I'll let her be our roadie. She's laughed a little. She laughed at a couple of other jokes too, but it wasn't going anywhere. I ended up ditching her to meet some old friends from high school, who unbeknownst to me, just so happen to work at the bar.

I'm about to bail, but was caught off guard by the second band to play (they're British): Does it Offend You, Yeah? This band pretty much rocks. They had the crowd jumping and dancing within seconds, which is perfect for me because I like to shake my ass on the dance floor: got some looks, but no takers from this crowd.

I think one thing that hurt me was that the venue was just too loud. I found myself yelling a lot, but it wasn't going too far. This kind of sucks because there's plenty of variety: a veritable buffet of indie rock hipsters. Secondly, I didn't build any physical connection with the Asian chic. It was like I was stuck in "open" mode the whole time.

Live and learn I guess,

-=HeLO =-

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Gaming a 250 Set

It's always a little sad when one of your friends enter a serious, long term relationship. While it's great that they've found someone special in their life, it usually marks the beginning of the divergence of yours. In some rare cases though, the opposite will happen. This past weekend, I had the honor of speaking at my best friend's wedding. His wife, from the moment they started going out, had become one of our closest friends. She's really the "mom" of our group. Even though our lives did diverge a little (especially now that they are married), the two of them have helped me grow tremendously throughout my life. It was only fitting that I could give something back to them, in way of a speech.

As I was writing my speech, I kept having this detrimental vision of me just floundering on stage, a big spotlight on my face, crickets chirping in the background. I did what any sane man would do; I downed a few scotch on the rocks, and set to work. So I'm sitting there, staring at my screen, and it dawns on me. Giving a speech is a lot like picking up a girl at a friend's party. Usually, the host will do some sort of introduction, and leave you to impress her with some funny stories. She'll laugh at your jokes, have a drink or two with you, then tell you she has to get up early tomorrow, but she had a great time and she really wants you to call her to hang out. Not that it ever works out. You just left her wanting more.

The M.C. didn't do a good job introducing me. In fact, saying my name right was about all he did. So I made it a point to introduce myself and stated how I knew the couple. Then I opened with a classic wedding joke:

"You know, [The Bride] is beautiful, smart, caring and loving. She really deserves the perfect husband. Thank God you snagged her, [The Groom] before she found him."

I wasn't sure how the audience would react to it. It's that same opener fear - what if they've heard it before and their unimpressed? It's always the case that they could have heard it a million times, but as long as you deliver it well, they'll laugh.

They laughed. They laughed hard. And I had them. My fear melted away, and I went into short stories. I built up the groom with a couple of funny quips, redoubled on the bride, with a funny story of her flirting with the groom in high school, all the while keeping the crowd on my every word. Here's the best part: these were all stories I've told before. Hell, I've told them to the bride and groom before. But this time, since I had everyone laughing, it felt new.

I closed by focusing on a faltering of the groom: just before they started going out, he had forgotten her birthday. I made him a "Get out of Jail Free" card that had all the important dates he needed to remember on the back. I had focused all of their positive energy, and drawn out the card from my pocket, and handed it to him with a hug and a smile. I asked the crowd to stand, said my toast, and faded to the back.

From then on, people came up to me to offer me drinks, share stories, and generally congratulate me on a well delivered speech. From then on, I owned the crowd.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

To a New Beginning

First of all, I should warn you, I'm not a pickup artist. I am not a seducer of women. I'm no Mystery. I'm not even that good at picking up girls. So why am I writing this blog? More importantly, why are you reading it? At some point in time, I will be a master pickup artist. And at some point, you will wonder how I got my start. It is here and now. I write so you can bare witness to the path I stumble on as I reach for this goal. And I won't do it alone. Some of you are going to help.

I know what you're thinking. "Why blog about it? There are a ton of blogs out there from real professionals who know their stuff, who can help way more than you!" That's true. But this blog has another purpose: I want to learn to be a writer. Stories fascinate me. I love hearing them. A long time ago, I used to be good at telling them. Somewhere along the way, I lost that art. I want to get it back. I want to be able to paint pictures and scenarios with my words.

So I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm going to post every step I take, every approach I make, in as much detail as I possibly can. We'll see every little thing I do wrong, and everything I do right. Maybe this will be informative. Hopefully, it'll be at least somewhat entertaining. And maybe, just maybe, some of you will join me in this little adventure. I've always been a firm believer in the power of numbers. My father always said, many hands make light work. It is as true of this endeavour as for any other.

So here we go... a new beginning:

-= HeLO =-